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Monday, May 24, 2010

Humanoid Hemorrhoids

If you wanna soar with the eagles don't fuck with the chicken (a Wise Dude)

I had a week to forget and I will. Over its course I had suffered from mild and acute pains in the butt. I had to talk to, and even smile at, some people whom, under normal circumstances, I would totally ignore. I have also turned a blind eye toward  lost souls hiding behind bitter words, too Gallus gallus domesticus to be fucked by me.

My perception of freedom, my own, has changed drastically the day I became a father. I constantly remind myself that I have to accommodate, accept and tolerate donkeys with suits and ties for instance. Yet, I will never cross the line to hypocrisy and my patience has been tested to the limit.


Only yesterday a dear friend wrote to me: "This is a dirty, dirty business..." In real life and online it's becoming increasingly true. However, we have to accept that evolution is far from perfect and that imbeciles are an unavoidable but necessary fact of life. We have to thank them for if it were not for them we could've never shined in the first place.



I want my kids to grow up and spread their wings on their own even if it means that I'll lose some precious time. It's like being young again in that stage in life, without all the sex. I can practically do whatever I want to if I remember what it was. Most importantly there will be no stopping grumpy old me when I run into a humanoid hemorrhoid, again: "Rub some Preparation H on your ugly face and get out of here you chicken shit." Then to Mildred*, as tender and soft as my wrinkled skin looks and feels: "Bring me my goddamn dentures and the prunes... Then sit in my lap you sexy old hag!"

*Who's Mildred?

26 comments:

Karin said...

Hahaha ... I love it!! Believe me not only one DAY was the way you describe - I had WEEKS like this and am dying for a change which, prior to finishing my Masters, won't show up behind the horizon!
Your post is just up my alley!!
:-)

Gabriela said...

I love the way you are so outspoken. That image of the girl with the red top is imply hilarious.
Saludos.

Isobel said...

Yes, who is Mildred? Lol! I guess the good thing about bad days and annoying people like this...eventually you can vent and make other people smile. Take care, Abufares! :)

Karim said...

Abufares, I'm a recent follower of your blog. Since I started reading your posts about a week ago, all I can think about is having homemade arak and shanklish! As a result, I haven't been able to get a single thing done at work this past week. You hit another chord with this last post, and I don't know how long it's going to take me to get back to doing what I do, if ever!

abufares said...

@Karin
Don't you hate that life is tarnished with this crap?
I've already snapped out of it though. I was waiting for Mildred :-)

abufares said...

@Gabriela

In case my words go unheeded the girl with the red top will come to my rescue.
Scratching, like yawning, is contagious. Isn't it?
So glad to see you here Gabriela :-)

abufares said...

@Isobel

You know how my imagination wanders every chance it gets.
I closed my eyes and transported my butt (after scratching it) forward in time. I was 80 with a gorgeous septuagenarian babe standing by my side. I loved her, in my own grumpy way.
So I shouted out what might later become a classic line in modern fiction: "Mildred! Bring me my goddamn dentures and the prunes... Then sit in my lap you sexy old hag!"
She sat her fat ass on me and yelled back; "Who the fuck is Mildred you old fart?"*

*Some critics claim that the old hag's reply was perhaps the most poignant quote of the 21st century.

abufares said...

@Karim
Welcome to my crazy little world. I'm so happy you found something of interest here and look forward reading your comments always.
Thank you for dropping by and for letting me know about it.

BIL said...

Hemorrhoids like most of what we call society are truly a real pain in the butt. I have been in and seen your situation as described here far too often. Turning a blind eye only masks what is really there however, does not rid the world of such types. It is funny how how such pains can come in all sizes, shapes and forms. I guess that is what makes it difficult to distinguish them from the others. That is until they open their mouth and start to pontificate the line of BS they have become adapted to spewing. Someone once told me it is better to keep your mouth shut and let everyone think you are an idiot than to open it up and remove all doubts. Some people have never learned that. They say clothes make the man but as you have found out ..... you can not believe that one either, and besides someone else probably picked the outfit for them. That you are a self-stated "Grumpy Old Man" well what can I say, "Welcome to the Old Farts Club" After who really cares about Mildred? <;-))

abufares said...

@BIL
I can tell from your comment that you're an HH veteran sufferer :-)
As for being a grumpy old man / old fart, according to those around me, I do posses all the necessary requirements to become one when my time comes. I'm looking forward driving Mildred up the wall if she doesn't kill me first with her bickering and nagging.

Omar said...

You have just coined my favourite phrase. Keep on ranting Abufares.

Joseph said...

I don’t have much to say, I had 2 pints of Guinness earlier in the evening on an empty stomach, I’m feeling old. lol
I thought you might like “this” and “this”

Joseph said...

Oops and “this!”

abufares said...

@Omar
You know how a laptop starts beeping when its battery needs to be recharged?
Well when I get to 10% of my power to resist and/or ignore bullshitters I rant.
So you can expect me to write something meaningless like this occasionally.

abufares said...

@Joseph
You have a keen eye/ear/mind for simple beauty.
Thank you for these links. Wonderful!

Joseph said...

Thank you, Abufares. I want to die eating “this” lol!

Joseph said...

You’ve probably seen “this”. I’m certain it’s going to recharge your batteries, to the max! this thing starts slow. Patience...

abufares said...

@Joseph

You made my day with that clip :-) thanks for taking the time. It did recharge my batteries and gave me a good laugh.
As for sea urchin (Toutia as we call it) we had plenty of it in the past when our sea was still unpolluted and clean. I used to dive for it (3 to 4m) pick the good ones and throw them on board the felluca. Then I'd carve them with a knife and eat them raw with a twist of lemon. uuuuuummmmmm, incredibly delicious. I forgot whether it was the male of the species or the female that was edible... but come to think of it now, they did taste female to me, LMAO!!!

abufares said...

@Joseph
YEEESSSS!!!
I'm right.
It was the female sea urchin that we ATE :-)
As a matter of fact the edible part is called the roe, which in essence are the ovaries.
I told you so :-)

KJ said...

I think the only argument to Creationism is that the existence of imbeciles cannot be explained by evolution. They're too many to say that the one evolutionary-defying sperm in 200 million always make it to the egg.

I'd rather believe they bumped into too many asteroids on their way down than to think their genetic pool is getting bigger

abufares said...

@KJ
Au contraire!
Imbeciles are manifestations of the Blind Watch Maker Theory. Like cockroaches and flies, imbeciles cannot be explained through creationism. What kind of a munificent God would contemplate creating them on purpose?

Joseph said...

Well, Abufares, for that reason alone, my love for that beautiful orange is a special one! lol
But then again, nothing in my opinion manifests the taste of the sea like the roe of a Sea Urchin dissolving on my taste buds.

Anonymous said...

Again, you made me smile! I had one of those weekends were everything that could go wrong did, but in between good things snuck in too! Mildred sounds like a charmer : )

luv u
w.b. yeats

abufares said...

@w.b. yeats
Nice to see you here. It's unfortunate but we do have to step in crap sometimes along the way.

I'm glad you liked Mildred, lollll. She's adorable when she's sober :-)

Anonymous said...

This is the first time i try the Google Translate option, and I selected Arabic. You should try it to see how the first sentence is translated.
Abu Abdo

abufares said...

@Abu Abdo

Wow!!! Brilliant.
I miss you man :-)