Lost Somewhere

At the right moment in time, a scribble with a trickle of words can excite the mind like an intricate novel read over a fortnight in the cone of a bedside lamp. I've been waking up real early lately; say 5:30 in the morning. No, it's not insomnia as I often get back to sleep afterward without much of a hassle. It's just as if I'm craving to squeeze every drop of time to unearth the real essence of my life from underneath the hubbub and brouhaha. I reached for my Nokia and checked my email. The usual endless stream of Ship Position Reports scrolled on the small bright screen reducing the days and nights of lonely seamen to coordinates and numbers. I was dozy yet my seasoned eyes detected a different message forthwith. I haven't heard from her for quite sometime and as I read her words consciousness pervaded my senses instantaneously and I became fully alert.

It's been a while... And "Lost Somewhere" has been reading silently, enjoying every single post...
We all look for something at every stage of life and today I think Abu Fares is in search for a tormenting passion in his life...something that will stir up his mind, heart and soul...
NB: And when I mention passion it is in its broad meaning that embraces many aspects

That's it, she left as swiftly as she came. Despite the impact of her words, I faded back into delicious sleep. When I eventually walked out of bed, I knew that Lost Somewhere's words have touched me deep inside and needed to be mulled over within the solitary confinement of a double Scotch.

Two words of tremendous power in the span of a short string bored trough my head. Was Lost Somewhere anguishing in ardor when she posed her question? How did she know what to ask when all I am to her is a man behind a blog? As the amber fluid attenuated my thirst it fed a white fire. The warmth within heated my imagination and it soared, a hot air balloon drifting in the wind above my own ken. I looked down, a man living a tormenting passion that defied attempts to explain was lost in thought. Was it a smile I detected at the corner of his lips? I needed to see his eyes, I could only know if I stared straight in my eyes. I glided lower and stood face to face against him. The eyes, Ah the green eyes peppered with a dash of hazel, looked back at me with enigmatic tranquility as they slowly changed colors. It startled me to see her eyes on his face and I grinned with realization.

The agony, the hurt, the anguish, the pain, the wretchedness and the torment were there to stay. The fervor, the fancy, the desire, the longing, the love and the passion have filled the heart completely, have drenched the soul. The improbability, the rarity, the exquisiteness, the wonder, the preciousness and the inevitability of the merging of eyes and minds cannot come about without a torrent of torment. Life is a tasteless weenie on a bun if not for the discrepant, adverse, cruel, bittersweet, adorable and endearing relish, garnishing the dead of night into a bright encounter, softening the heat of day into a waterfall of rose water, bringing meaning to being, restoring the original innocence of birth.

"It's strange that words are so inadequate. Yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words." - T.S. Eliot

The lives of men and women are senselessly empty if it were not for the tormenting cruelty of time. Their hearts and souls needlessly void if not for the passion of love. I'm struggling to survive, Lost Somewhere, for I will die if I give up my struggle.

The music and lyrics of (Losing My Religion, 2003 by REM) filled my head as I wrote this post and I had to listen to it again and again. Here is a video link in case Youtube doesn't work for you. What a great song!


Fantasia said…
I don't know if I want to laugh, cry or re-read this a hundred times. How your muse has taken you on a path of twist and turns! Somuch said in so few words.
Abufares said…
laughing and crying are so much the same at times.
Your visit, all the way from the Caribbean, is so comforting.
Thanks for dropping by during your vacation.
Gabriela said…
I hope my English is enough to put into words what I have in my mind... but then again, maybe I'll just use few words.
Don't give up your struggle, not now, not ever. Words like these ones I just read make my day, my week. I simply loved this post!
Isobel said…
One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star. - Nietzsche

I think your words have a resonance we can all feel, Abu Fares. At least I know I can. Thank you.
Abufares said…
Your English is beautiful, like your mind.
I will never give up the struggle. I owe it to myself to go all the way.
Thank you Gabriela for your kind words.
Abufares said…
Nietzsche is a great guy but I don't care for him as I care for what you had to say. That my words resonated in that beautiful head of yours is what made me so happy.
Thank you for filling my empty pages.
Lost Somewhere said…
Thank you Abu Fares for those beautiful words... I honestly hesitated a lot before responding to your post as it is hard to come close to your beautiful writing or your ability to put in words what we struggle to mention or think of.

Yes it's been a long while and I wrote you the first time when I was somehow lost in this world. It only saddens me to say that the older I get the less answers and the more unanswered questions I have.

Each and every one of us longs for some passion in a form or another ...and I certainly can read it through the lines of someone going through a similar phase...However I wonder if I had to choose would I opt for a passionate life full of unanswered tormenting questions leading to that even more "Lost Somewhere" constant state of mind, or if after all I would choose to be one of those who do not question and live life as it comes, do they really have a duller life???

I hope one day soon you would seriously consider pushing that blog writing experience a bit further from its virtual aspect offering us the opportunity to hold between our hands a book carrying your name. No one is more apt of doing a great job on that matter as u Abu Fares!
Abufares said…
@Lost Somewhere

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.", Henry David Thoreau

You inspired me to write what I did and you helped me get a load off my chest. Writing this particular post was therapeutic as it helped me delve deep within in search for answers. I don't think it tragic that what I found is more confusing than the original question. It keeps the mind working. It makes us, man and woman, alive.
Does living years of being lost somewhere make us regret the tenacity and persistence in poking torment in the eye and accepting the consequences for a fleeting moment of passion?

I can't regret the past as I can't change it. I don't dread the future as it never happened. I don't shy from the present as I face it head on, heart on, mind on and play my hand with whatever cards I was dealt.

I wouldn't have it any other way and so can't you. Some people find their thrill in climbing mountains and taking risks. Others skydive and stare at the face of death with a smirk. I've done both and so much more at one point or another in my life but to seek passion with such passion is unmatched in the liveliness it brings to my restless soul. It's not the thrill of the ride that I'm after anymore. It's not the risk taking and the rush of adrenaline. True passion is totally different and inimitable. It's the search to complete one's self. Will it ever end, the search? What would happen when we truly find our way and nothing stands in between us and our ultimate dream? I believe that there are actually people who went that far and I can't but, not envy them, but wish I could be where they are one day. Even it were the last day of my life, I will strive to be there. Failing is of course probable but I don't care.

I don't want to live in quiet desperation my friend. I want to stare straight in the eyes of life and dare her who would flinch first.

Ah the writing of the book, an unfulfilled dream for so long. May be while I'm staring I should get myself busy and take that first crucial step.

Thank you for your words of understanding. Go after whatever you're searching for, even if it's yourself, and never worry about being found ;-)
KJ said…
I was taught by a professor in college a lovely little subject called "media writing". Her final exam was a simple question: What have you learned from this course?

I recalled how every day, after the afternoon class, I escorted her to her car. She was in her fifties, yet her figure was more slender and enticing than that of a 20 year old. She walked on slim, long legs with beautifully curved calves. I remember how her shoulders gracefully held her purple dress, and how the pearls snuggled at her breasts, sniffing every possible breath of her scent.

Her eyes were deep green, yet light and kind on those who see them. She smiles for the world, on behalf of the world.

On one of the many days we walked together, amidst pillars of prefixed concrete, slabs of marble and hollow edifices, she told me something that sticks to me to this day.

She said, "dear, you know, I imagine you when you grow up, to be sitting on a comfortable chair, on your porch, writing hallmark cards."

Though she passed away, her words and memories still live with me. And when I read your words, I see myself in you, and you in me.

I wanted to quote Shakespeare's sonnet 116, but I hope that you'd find something that inspires you in my story.
Anonymous said…
my Dear Abufares, Gilgemish asked the same question 5000 years ago, perhaps the real (jihad)can give us an answer,
Anonymous said…
إذا لم يكن إبداعا ذلك التشبيه البديع لباريس بتلك الامراة الربعينية التي وصفت فأنا لا أدري ما الإبداع كلما فكرت في باريس سأذكر ذلك التشبيه، عزيزي أبو فارس أخرج للعلن كاتباً....أرجوك
Abufares said…
I loved your story for various reasons. First, the way you told it was so delicate, intricate and sensual (in a KJ kind of way). Then it really meant a lot to me that you see yourself in me and vice versa. I have to thank you for that and know that I see you as one of the youngest old men I know. And finally, and most importantly, the "tormenting passion" you had (and probably still have) for the woman with the green eyes who smiles for and on behalf of the world is so endearing.
Your story is truly inspirational.
Abufares said…
I have long ago decided that "mass" passion could only lead to mass "hysteria".
With the state of the world as it is, with the burdens left behind by ideologies, empires and religions I have very little left to admire in altruistic goals and dreams.
Abufares said…

شكراً لكلماتك والتي فعلاً دفعتني للتفكير ملياً محاولاً ادراك سبب عدم التفاتي إلى الكتابة بشكل جدي. علي أن أصل إلى نقطة العدم رجوع عند اتخاذي قراراً كهذا و حسب ما تبدو عليه الأمور فمن الممكن أن يحدث هذا الآن أكثر من أي وقت مضى
Dubai Jazz said…
This post had stirred a host of mixed feelings. At first I mistakenly thought this was a rationale of defeatism. I then realized that it’s me who sometimes allow the universal definitions of greed and the false pretenses of altruism to keep what I want beyond my reach. It’s a struggle indeed. But then that what keeps the horse going beyond the steeplechasers; knowing there’s a meal and respite at the end of track.
Dubai Jazz said…
ah, I swear I wrote my comment before I saw the reference to altruism in your reply to lê. at least I'm making some sense. :)
Abufares said…
I know that you go into deep mode when you read and that's why I always enjoy reading and replying to your comments. But I couldn't see where you got the idea that this post has any hint of defeatism. It was an attempt on my part to explain to myself and to Lost Somewhere why I will never give up.
I don't intend to keep what I want beyond my reach. But pure passion burns hotter the more difficult it is to attain.
It's a simple fact of life and a beautiful one at that.
Anonymous said…
Not the art to make somthing to be a beautiful,bu the art to make a beautiful to be more and more beautiful.
Abu Fares,You are the man who does it.

Dubai Jazz said…
No no, my first impression couldn't be warranted by a reference anywhere in your writing. It was, how shall I put it, a 'feeling'. This is usually what happens when I read blogs in the office, inbetween responding to enquiries from dumb contractors, it'd take a little while for my lazy intellect to attune to your poetic writing.

Keep it up Abu Fares, and I shall, again, join the collective call for you to write a book!
Unknown said…
"I don't intend to keep what I want beyond my reach. But pure passion burns hotter the more difficult it is to attain. It's a simple fact of life and a beautiful one at that."If pure passion burns hotter the more difficult it is to attain ... and if we are aware of this "fact of life" ... should we still allow our pure passion to operate uncontrollably when our object of passion is most likely beyond our reach ("to obtain"), or should we interfere with rational thinking to reduce our expectations in order to not be disappointed at the end of the passion process that will not lead to us permanently owning what we desire with such great passion?

My advise to Lost somewhere is to absolutely not suppress her passions, but to not allow them to exist uncontrollably either.

It depends on if she is wise enough to find value and happiness in the process itself, and not only in the end point: The "success" of achieving a goal that we passionately seek.

If it is a case of a being motivated solely by the hope of achieving a goal, and not only through living through the process, then I would think about:

1) The probability of success ... how likely it is that I would succeed if I work on it. and

2) the expected (negative) value of pain associated in case the end of the process shows one will not obtain whatever one spent all that passion energy towards obtaining,

But if we learn to enjoy the process for what it is, then ... the more passion the better... no need for calculating probabilities of success and estimating the degree of pain of expected failure.
Anonymous said…
(VERSE #1)
Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I've said it all

(VERSE #2)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

(VERSE #3)
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded old, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I've said it all

(VERSE #4)
Consider this
Consider this hint of the century
Consider this slip
That brought me to my knees pale
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
And now I've said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

That was just a dream
That was just a dream



That was just a dream
Try, cry, why, try
That was just a dream
just a dream, just a dream...
Abufares said…
Thank you Al for your kind words of support and encouragement. I really appreciate them and your visit.
Abufares said…
Ahhh, I see. Well you have to consider that this piece was written immediately after the Double Scotch so it can't be interpreted unless in the right frame of mind. And, DJ thank you for your call about the book. I should consider the matter less casually.
Abufares said…
I like your way of thinking as a man who can be depended on in time of trouble.
Yet, passion cannot be approached in such a calculating manner. I agree with you that the anticipation of fulfilling the end desire must be as engaging and "fun" as the ultimate goal or we would be fanatic rather than passionate.

No pain no gain!!!
Lost Somewhere said…
I shall follow your advice and remain unfound... I doubt I can do any better
But passion obviously finds its origin in the small yet deep fissures in our lives. And in a state of denial of our own personal dimension of failure we tend to nurture it, to fill that fissure with an exaggeration of whatever it is about...a "grandiose" illusion that we keep aspiring to.
But we are the only consuming creatures on this planet and from that we will keep on desiring and burning until obtaining and consuming even the unconsumable that once obtained will find it's passion butchered by time, repetition or merely from that acknowledgement of the veracity of that long awaited victory.
Passions are solely made of those burning moments of sweet unrest, passions are our worst and most beautiful illusions of life. What shines in our brains inspired from life shines greater within...
Abufares said…
@Lost Somewhere
You already understand the game and the lack of rules. I suspect the "like of us" can't have it any other way.
May your voyage of self discovery, enlightenment and passion never ends. For without it, there's no purpose at all.
Unknown said…
Tsk tsk tsk ... Abu Fares, there is no need for an "s" at the end of end.
Abufares said…
I told you that you are a dependable man in time of trouble. Even an inopportune "S" could not pass by your first line of defenses :-)
Unknown said…
Thanks Abu Fares : ) ... Although, I usually try hard to avoid getting into trouble ... because in time of trouble, I am the first one to run as fast as I can.
Unknown said…
One last thing Abu Fares

Two of your and my friends are placing a bet with me.

They are suggesting that "lost Somewhere" is not who she is ... that you created her.

And I am telling them that they are wrong.

Would you be kind enough to tell them that they are both idiots?
Abufares said…
I'm sorry to tell our friends that they are wrong. Well, I really am not, simply because it means that you won the bet.
I do hope that Lost Somewhere comes over this place again and answers for herself.
I wouldn't quite say that they are idiots. They're of course free to speculate. But, it doesn't make any sense.. their speculation:-)
Unknown said…

They ARE idiots.

Don't worry they can take it : )
Lost Somewhere said…
I wonder whether we should even bother convincing anyone, for those who do ask this question are doubtfully equipped to grasp the whole essence of this post.
As for "creative", is he really that "dependable in time of trouble"? Just writing that bet thing makes me wonder...
Unknown said…
Dear AF ... Dear LS

We need to be more precise ... It really depends on what kind of "trouble".

For example, I can not be depended on to help a friend in this kind of trouble:


But I can probably help if it is more like this:


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