Two, three days ago I swallowed a razor blade in the morning. It kept nagging at me and I could hardly gulp my breakfast. I jumped on my bike and headed to work, an absurdly short distance away. I was hit by a truck. The heavy wheels squashed my bones one by one and squeezed the life out of me. I climbed the flight of stairs to the office and with every step I scaled I felt the impact of a powerful baseball bat crushing my knees, tearing apart my flesh and muscles. I slumped heavily on the chair, completely stunned in front of the screen as slow realization crept through my foggy brain. It’s the fucking flu.
There’s nothing I hate more than being sick. My tolerance to the common cold is close to nil. If a kid is infected two blocks away and I merely look at him from afar chances are I’ll catch it and turn into a useless lump in 24 hours or less. For the last few years I’ve been taking the shot every October. Although, it didn’t disappear completely from my life, the frequency of falling down victim to the flue has been greatly reduced. I used to get the cold twice, perhaps thrice a year. Now it’s more like once every two or three years. Yet when it hits, it hits hard, no holds barred, under the belt, over the head, anywhere where it hurts, continuously, incessantly, without mercy or remorse, until it runs its full demonic course.
Whether I take over the counter or prescription medications, drink exotic herbs, recite magic incantations, chant ghoulish invocations, pray to the almighty God above or plead with the lowly spirits of the netherworld I won’t fully get on my feet again before the flu wreaks havoc on my body and soul. A wise doctor once commented on my ordeal, “It’ll take you 7 days to get over the symptoms of the common cold or flu, assuming of course that you take your medication, drink plenty of liquid and rest. If you don’t, you won’t get well before a week.”
How come, I wonder, they’ve developed cruise missiles able to cross continents then hit a skinny bearded man in a bunker of concrete six stories down but still do not have a damn clue on how to eradicate once and for all the flu, among other human inflictions and miseries. Or do they but rather make us suffer and pay hard earned money to pharmaceutical companies. Didn’t Pfizer sue the Indians because they were mass producing a cheap drug for AIDS without paying “royalties”? Kiss Ikht humanity if this is how it was meant to be (Kiss Ikht is one Arabic variant for Fuck, yet more eloquent and melodic).
You will certainly excuse my obscenity and absurdity once you know under what chemical influence my brain neurons happen to be at right this moment. I have taken a little of everything. Pills, capsules, syrups, squeezed lemons, water and chicken soup. I have rested endlessly in bed. I have even watched Arabic movies. Send in your remedies if you happen to have any. Please hurry before the week or the 7 days (whichever comes first) are over.