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Monday, September 03, 2007

Midnight Existential Banter

-Hey bartender, get me and my friend here another round.

-You’re sure you didn’t have too much to drink?

-Just get us more cheap Vodka; if I needed a mother I would’ve stayed home.


-I hate wiseass bartenders, what were you saying?
-I was wondering if we’re ready to start our game.
-You’re kidding me; we’ve almost drank a whole bottle. We’re just in the perfect frame of mind. I’m very excited… We haven’t done so in over what, a month?
-42 days exactly.
-Great, go ahead, shoot, ask me the first question. Make sure everyone around hears you.
-Well then, it’s an existential question: WHY AREN’T WE BORN OLD AND PROGRESS BACKWARD IN LIFE?
-Umm, let’s see, it's a matter of logistics really. The average elderly male measures at 164 cm height, 48 cm wide and 65 kg weight. Assuming he has to come out to the world in the same old-fashioned way, the average female reproductive system has to be 5 to 7 times its' present size. That would lead to a complex sequence of events, since proportionally speaking the penis should be equal (in length and girth) to the average elderly man. We would have a runaway problem on our hands and we would end up with the whole universe being a giant vagina waiting for a big bang to happen. This is actually what some metaphysicists believe to be the case anyway…
-Great answer, really great. Your turn now.
-WHY ARE CUNNILINGUS AND FELLATIO OK WHILE SODOMY AND ORIFICIO ARE NOT?

-What in the hell is Orificio?
-It’s sticking it in every orifice of the body?
-I see, basically you want to know why it’s acceptable to lick and suck but not to bugger and inflate. It just so happens that I have recently read an article in Anthropology Today about how the elders of some long gone East African tribe gathered one night and voted on cunnilingus. One chief, holding a raw zebra liver in his hand, stood up in the middle of the gathering, partially slit it with a flint knife then licked it and mumbled, “Ummmm, gooood!” Some of the more conservative heads of families immediately yelled “taboooooooo” meaning bad. Eventually, the eldest of the elders licked the liver himself and agreed that it was “goooooood”. There is no surviving record of any discussion relevant to fellatio since all the men of the tribe apparently unanimously agreed that it was “gooooooood”. As for sodomy, it had proved rather shitty that evening, especially after a heavy dinner consisting of zebra meat. All those who tried it cried “tabooooooooo” and it was laid to rest there and then and never to be allowed again. Finally, as far as ah, orificio is concerned, I don’t think the article covered this aspect of sexuality but I have to make my own educated guess here… Errrr, are we talking about the nose and ears! There are no other orifices, are there?
-Sure, in between the toes, the eyes?
-The space between the toes is not an orifice and the eyes, how can you do it to the eyes?
-I don’t particularly know but the aborigines of Australia…
-ALRIGHT THAT’S IT. I HAD ENOUGH OF BOTH OF YOU MORONS. GET OUT OF HERE AND DON’T LET ME SEE YOU AGAIN. EVER. GET OUT!
-You know what the problem is; people are not interested in intellectual discussions anymore. Did you see the disgusted looks on everybody’s face back in the bar? They’d rather watch the news or a football game instead of listening to an intelligent discussion such as ours. Let’s go somewhere else and continue our fascinating tête-à-tête.
-Man, you’re so deep.
-You too man, I’m very impressed. There’s this classy bar at the corner of the block. I’ve been saving it for an occasion like this.
-I enjoy talking with you.
-Me too. I feel so enlightened
-Bartender, 2 Vodkas, hold the ice.
-I thought they say 2 straight Vodkas.
-Yeah, but that was before the war.


Image courtesy of: http://www.redhill-reigate-history.co.uk/pubs%20of%20redhill.htm

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

A sleazy (but classy) way to free drinks I guess.
(Abufares, I sent you an email but u did not reply?)

Abu Abdo

saint said...

Nice!
Lager is always my favorite.
Love it, Redhill district huh? I worked there back in the 70’s in ones of the restaurants.
My favorite was Henry the 8th, in the same district I guess, it was a restaurants where you can east and have fun too, though never put a foot there, but heard exciting stories from my brother who worked there?
But for atmosphere, the best for me was Rembrandt Pub, at Rembrandt Square in Amsterdam.
Keep it coming Abu Fares!

KJ said...

LoooooooooooooooooooooL

No Comment!

Omar said...

this is the most brilliant conversation I have heard in a very long, long time.

did I mentioned it was also hilarious!

abufares said...

Hi Abu Abdo
unfortunately the bartender made them pay for each round of drinks. After all, he has plenty of experience.
I've just sent you an email.

abufares said...

Saint
I'm not really familiar with the Redhill District. But when I borrowed the photo I read the interesting history.
I thought I should squeeze this post out before Ramadan.
Thank you for your visit.

abufares said...

KJ
No Comment is a comment :-)

abufares said...

Omar
Indeed the 2 guys are brilliant. You should've heard their conversation in the next bar.

Wassim said...

Abu Fares,
Ahh the joys of an alcohol enhanced profound and deep conversation :)
Now what was that about the aborigines?

abufares said...

Wassim
So deep I almost drowned:-)

Lujayn said...

Great post, Abu Fares, loved the exchange. Learnt a few things too ;)

(wanted to point out that there are html tags or whatever they call them before every exchange - just in case I'm the only one seeing them).

abufares said...

Welcome back Lujayn
I missed you around here and on your own blog.
I'm happy this post proved educational to you as it did to me.
I don't see any tags, please readers let me know if you're having problems or whether it's "Simply Lujayn".

GraY FoX said...

OMG
i literally laughed all of my ORIFICIO's off including my butt
i suppose one of the two guys were you :P
anyhow , really brilliant conversation after a round of (straight vodkas)
so mind nourishing and enlightening
keep them coming :)

abufares said...

Hi Gray Fox
I'm glad you had one good laugh and by the way, I was the bartender ;-)

Lujayn said...

Tags are gone, Abu Fares. Never fails, the minute you tell somebody something is wrong, the problem clears up. Simply Lujayn :)

Not sure I'm really back - still learning the ropes at my new job and thats taking up most of my energy (the rest is devoted to my endless stream of house guests - I rival the emirate's leading hotels). I just couldnt resist commenting on your terrific post!

MadSurg said...

What a hell of a post!

But still, one point I couldn't understand: why to order "cheap" vodka if they are to be kicked out and not pay a dime? Is it just required for the effect or is there another deep meaning?

abufares said...

Hi Lujayn
I must be honest with you. There was an inter-browser compatibility problem with the HTML code which I found out about after your comment. I fixed it and forgot to tell you.
So, do you think it's time proper to write a post about your new job and/or you playing hostess???
I can't wait.

abufares said...

Hey MadSurg
Long time no see. It took a crazy post like this to get you back here.
I'm afraid that your question betrayed the fact that you haven't been in a bar before. Bars are keen on getting paid per each round of drinks ordered. There's no running tab except for regulars.
The reference to "cheap" Vodka by one of the two gentlemen is a way of asserting one's self in a foreign environment. It's like urinating on a tree trunk to define one's territory.
That's the "deepest" meaning I could fathom. I hope you're not disappointed.

kaya said...

OH MY GOD!
And I thought I was weird!

Kinano said...

looooooool

That was absolutely brilliant man! Very, very intellectual

keep'em comin our ways

gospodinBezkrai said...

LoL, I didnt expect such spicy story on your blog, Abu Fares!
Greetings from UK, where all pubs look exactly like on the picture!

Is it an anecdote or a real story?


Hey, I just got an email from one friend of mine from France. She has arrived in Damascus yesterday and is very excited, already loved syrian people very much (for now, she says ;) ). She is working there for french company Total. But, I should say, syrian men have just gained a jewel! ;)

Hopefully next spring or summer I will be able too to visit her, and Syria!

yours,
Nikola

PS: I saw your thing about Balkan bikes! I never knew they were exported to Arab countries! I've seen some in Bulgaria in my childhood (80s), but I think then those were already quite old.

gospodinBezkrai said...

PPS: I've had a Balkan bicycle though! :)

abufares said...

Hey Kaya
How did you ever think that I'll let you be weird all by yourself?
I have no idea whether you liked it or not, but I'm glad I got a reaction.

abufares said...

Hi Kinano
Very intellectual indeed. This post reminded me of my college years when we used to get so heated up over arguments about subjects no less, no more meaningful than what you've read here.

abufares said...

Nikola
To tell you the truth, Ramadan is around the corner and I usually get very subdued a few days prior and till the end of the month. I felt a little rebellious and wanted to make a wild statement before I get into a serene mode.
Is it fiction or a true story? Well it's a very difficult question for me to answer. Let's put it this way, I don't post everything I write. This, however, is a remix of a couple of things I've written some time ago. It's kind of a Writing Clip (in line with a Video Clip).
I think it was my way of splashing some cold water on my face.

Swiftee said...

Greetings from Minnesota, USA.

I have been looking for information from the Middle East for some time. I read quite a few from Syria, Egypt, Kuwait & etc...but I must say that you are the first Syrian biker I've run across!

If you care to investigate my website
http://restraininorder.blogspot.com/2004/06/ya-cant-buy-cool.html

you'll find that I'm a very conservative, pro-US American. But that diesn't mean that I believe that the US "has all the answers".

I'm intensely interested in learning what the "average Joes and Josephines" of the world are up to.

I find your site to be quite refreshing and will be checking back often.

Best regards,

TJSwift

Swiftee said...

By the way, the ShovelHead in the picture is 100% custom built (in my garage) and contains a 96 cu. in. motor that has seen the north side of 120 MPH.

I also own a 2002 RoadKing on which my wife and I recently finished a 4000 mile trip from California to Minnesota on.

Keep the clean side up and the rubber side down!

Regards,

TJSwift

abufares said...

Swiftee
Nice of you to drop by.
Bikers in the third world are more likely to be a part of an economic class rather than a social or cultural one. Those who cannot afford to buy a car but have enough to go beyond a bicycle are your average bikers.
Of course this is a broad generalization and in Syria for instance, many are bikers by choice.
Some of my best friends are Conservative, pro-US Americans. On the other hand, a few are so leftists they are in dire need for alignment if they'd like to continue moving forward down the road.
I have lived some of my best years in the US and this is an integral part of my identity. However, being the average person I claim to be, I wrote:

http://abufares.blogspot.com/2006/06/average-people.html

Your bike is beautiful, more so because it was put together with love and care.
From a fellow biker across the miles, thank you man for being here.