Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Your Horoscope for May

Aries March 21-April 19
After having lived a life of sin and temptation, your health deteriorates rather rapidly. With the waning of the moon you are admitted to hospital. The costly ordeal devastates you financially. Just when you think you are getting out of this slump, you are hit by a runaway truck.


Taurus April 20-May 20
You are in deep trouble. The Moon and Alpha Centauri are perfectly aligned in relation to the M33 Galaxy. Your life gets more miserable as you go on. There is nothing worth living for. Your partner leaves you, so will your parents, friends and neighbors. Shoot the dog before it bites you.


Gemini May 21-June 21
May is obviously not your best month. You will be plagued by different problems at home. Avoid contacts with all humans if possible. Do not argue with your superiors or inferiors at work. With the present asynchronous motion of heavenly objects, it is very probable that you are going to get fired on Thursday the 3rd.



Cancer June 22-July 22
One of your best friends betrays you. Distraught and having lost your faith in humanity, you will further succumb into depression. You are destined to become an alcoholic. A clash with the police is imminent. Avoid using electrical kitchen appliances as you might sever a finger or a whole extremity.


Leo July 23-August 22
Precisely every 42 years, the Emission Nebula (M42) and the Reflection Nebula (NGC 7023) continue to have nothing to do with each other. As thus, the effect on Leo is significant. Your appeal to the opposite sex will fade rapidly and you attract members of your same sex like flies are attracted to a discarded muffin. You will be unreservedly humiliated.


Virgo August 23-September 22
Once you believe that you’ve got it made, you are in for one huge disappointing surprise. All your property is confiscated, your rights violated and your food regurgitated. You will be homeless in the streets and eat out of soup kitchens for the rest of the year. Your unlucky days are Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. As for Tuesday, it really sucks.


Libra September 23-October 22
A mass murderer appears in the horizon in the second week of May. You will fall in love with him (regardless of your sex). Eventually both of you will be cornered in a place of worship by a SWAT team. The mass murderer will miraculously escape. Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that these snipers could miss two targets on the same mission.


Scorpio October 23 - November 21
While walking on a busy street a snake bites you. The pain is unspeakable. The agony is unbearable. The anguish is insurmountable. You will never be the same again. If you are single you will never get married. If you are married you will get a divorce. Nobody likes you anymore. You are utterly undesirable until the end of the third quarter.


Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Jupiter will screw you up, again. While on a long-awaited dinner date at a very expensive restaurant with what you thought is the most desirable person in the world you will throw up on the table. After the convulsions seize you realize that your date has left you alone and has taken your wallet. You wash dishes for the rest of the week.


Capricorn December 22-January 19
A recurring dream will drive you insane. You are in bed with George W. Bush who’s dressed in a flimsy piece of lingerie. You try to break free but he holds you tight and showers you with wet kisses. When he pins you down and tries to… you wake up sweating and gasping for air. On the night of May 21st or 22nd, you will jump out of the window and probably kill yourself.


Aquarius January 20-February 18
Solar winds will shake you profoundly in May. Nothing seems to be going right for you anymore. You will be dealt a hard blow. Migraines will taunt you for the rest of your unhappy life. You might feel better by mid May, but then it’s all downhill again.



Pisces February 19-March 20
Nothing is what it seems to be. What has started as a simple rash develops into something far more serious. The dermatologist refuses to even touch you as your case is highly contagious. You will live in exile on a secluded island where eventually you will be eaten by a hungry alligator. The alligator later dies of indigestion (around August).


Well, if you normally believe this horoscope crap, my word is as good as any. By the way, I can read your palm and the tarots too.

51 comments:

Rime said...

Only one word to say: haaaaaahahahahahaha!

I'm kind of relieved I'm a Leo; given the fate you have bestowed on other signs, what's a bit of humiliation? :) I mean dreaming of Bush, yech. Where do you come up with this stuff? This is destined to become a classic.

Can you read my Arabic coffee cup?

The Syrian Brit said...

Some of us never learn!..
Here I am, once again, taking my life into my own hands, and reading your post while at work!..
Big mistake!!..
Lost all credibility when colleagues had to pick me off the floor after a fit of laughter!!..

p.s. I don't have a dog.. can I shoot the fish?.. Would that remove the curse??...

KJ said...

well at least soup from the kitchens is better than nothing.

Hope they can spare some shankleesh!

Lujayn said...

Life of sin and temptation? Boy, are you wrong! This virtuous angel has done no such thing... OOOOOOOOooooooooooooow, where on earth did that truck come from???? Abu Fares, I bow to your divine powers!

Golaniya said...

Shift shlon ya abu fares, I’ll never get married ;-)
(Scorpio)

abufares said...

Rime
You're right. Capricorn was screwed real bad by the stars and planets.
I started my studies in Arabic coffee cups reading but then changed to the more challenging field of astrology. I came up with the idea last night after a casual conversation with a friend of mine who owns a small bookstore in Tartous. He was saying something in the effect of the best sellers for as far back as he can remember are:
1) Astrology books (every new year, Maggy Farah....etc.)
2) Dream Explanation (تفسير الأحلام )books.
3) What to do on the first night guides.
Cook books come a distant fourth. Anyway, I would be careful around women if I were you ;-)

abufares said...

Syrian Brit
Glad I was able to make you laugh even if it meant a little loss of credibility. Talking of which (credibility)you know that some people actually read their horoscope on a regular basis or at least believe this heap of rubbish.
By the way, I think you should eat the fish before it turns ugly.

abufares said...

KJ
So you are a Virgo! Wow, that tells me so much about you.
Aren't you impressed when you first meet somebody and she asks you about your sign!
Watch out for Tuesday, as it really sucks.

DUBAI JAZZ said...

Man! I laughed till my jaws hurt!
Abu Fares, your horror-scope has found its way to all the desks in my office, then everybody burst in wild laughter. We needed an army battalion to take people off the floor!
Back to my dishes...duh! ...excrement is all over the place ...

abufares said...

Lujayn
I knew you were an Aries after our first exchange of words and that is basically what attracted me to you. They don't call it "fish and sheep" for nothing.
As for my divine powers, you've seen nothing yet. Wait till you take a look at my embroidery and needle work.

abufares said...

Sham from Golan
"You are utterly undesirable until the end of the third quarter." End of quote.

After which it might get evern worse. You might get hitched by someone looking for a girl that "Ma Bass Timma Illa Imma".

Lujayn said...

Fish and sheep?? I havent heard that one. Explain oh Great One who Embroiders! You get more and more intriguing by the day :))

abufares said...

Dubai Jazz
I'm sorry Jupiter is screwing you up again. It must be painful, Jupiter being the largest planet in our solar system.
When you finish with the dishes can you get the garbage out.

abufares said...

Lujayn
"fish and sheep" is often misspelled as "fish and chips". I was making reference to my own sign: Pisces = fish and yours Aries = sheep.
I'm on a roll today and I haven't even started drinking.

Yazan said...

Your appeal to the opposite sex will fade rapidly and you attract members of your same sex like flies are attracted to a discarded muffin. You will be unreservedly humiliated.

thats not what i needed to hear... u see thats why we stick with Magi!!!

Is there anything I can do about this Nebula divorce case?

BTW, ur the first guy i saw writing a bad thing about Leos, we are usually the only ones unharmed by horoscopes!

DUBAI JAZZ said...

Well ..well... well.
Garbage huh?

Basita...when was your birthday Abu Fares?
heh?
27 Fed?
You are a Pisces ?
Rash? estranged dermatologist? quarantine? alone on an island where the hotties in the coconut bras are not getting anywhere near you? indigestible material?

I would rather take the garbage!

abufares said...

Yazan
Well at least I didn't charge you for this crap. However, if you want to stop the nebulae from causing irreparable damage to your birth sign then you must seek Maggy. She's the pro after all.
You know what, she's smart too. Just when she started turning unatractive she came up with this shit. Now the older and uglier she gets the wiser she will be considered by the intelligent masses who buy her books every year.

Lujayn said...

Abu Fares, you're the top! I'm glad I'm alone in the office, cause you've got me laughing out loud. Cant wait for you to start drinking!! Kasak!

abufares said...

Yes Dubai Jazz it all started as a simple rash can you believe .... wait ... I a....m itch....ing ba...aa..aa.dly
that.
Dubai Jazz, Do you think I'm losing my mind or is it a natural reaction to the rare skin disease.

abufares said...

Lujayn
You are alone at the office?
Wait, stay there, I'm coming, turn off the lights.

DUBAI JAZZ said...

Abu Fares, it seems that you will first have to deal with the eruption of comments on your blog! (comments rash)
And no, it's not because you've lost your mind, it's because you've got everyone else losing their minds!
Brilliant!

Lujayn said...

Abu Fares, honest, honest, honest, my boss just walked in! He was wondering whats with the lights turned off :p

abufares said...

Dubai Jazz & Lujayn
I'm really lucky I'm all alone at the office (with the door locked). For some reason I can't stop laughing. The funny part is that these comments were being exchanged in real time and I felt as if I'm with you guys and you know how contagious laughing can get (worse than my skin rash).

Now Lujayn, don't give in to your boss. Wait for me.

Lujayn said...

Same feeling exactly. I really enjoyed the post, Abu Fares, its one of your best (with all due respect to the older posts). A man with a wicked sense of humour and a creative mind! And you brought out everyone's funny streak.

kaya said...

First time here, compliments Dubai jazz. Couldnt stop laughing.
That is brilliant, tho I gotta say CAPRICORN had to be the best. Where do u come up with thi stuff.
A classic!
hahhahahhahahah! LOVED IT!

Angel said...

The monthly horoscope of mine agrees with you and says : Attraction to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including cartoon characters and clowns ..... The newspaper, however, says Romantic and intimate matters brew beneath the surface by mid-month. Romantic passions are stimulated and a love affair could heat up!

NOW WHAT SHOULD I DO?!
Can you take a look at my palm Abufares? I feet settled that I will get a proper reading......some sound advice about my personality, career, love, and relationships that I know I can actually use ;)
Between, whatever my horoscope predicts, I only do what suits me!!!! Sooooooo can you advise me with some TIPS for FUN while washing dishes!!! You made the usually dry horoscope come alive by soaking it with funny stuff!.......Hilarious.... God, I have not had such a good laugh since ages!

Wassim said...

Oh boy, alcoholism it is then. As for the extremity, I opt for the finger before the appliance chooses for me.

Kinan said...

Well, at least an alligator will kill me not the rash :P

How many people you know get eaten by any alligator!

looool!

Stupid crap.

abufares said...

Lujayn
A wicked sense of humor indeed. Glad you enjoy this genre.

abufares said...

Hello Kaya
Welcome on my blog and I have to thank Dubai Jazz for bringing you over. I took a look at yours and truly enjoyed your sense of humor. BTW, we still haven't heard from a Capricorn. I hope we do before it's too late.

abufares said...

Angel
My proper way to read your palm would be to hold it in mine and look into your eyes to fathom the past, understand the present and wonder about the future. I might get lost along the way, but that is the least of my worries.

abufares said...

Wassim
So you are a Cancer. What a coincidence, my cousin's friend is a cancer too.
You know this type of conversation is not fictional. An entire evening could be spent along these lines.
Just don't use the blender after you've had your cocktail. That's my somber advise.

abufares said...

Kinan
I wonder if the same alligator will eat us both or whether there will be 2 different animals on two different islands dying of indigestion around August.
Can you come to terms with the consequences, assuming that 1/12 of the world population are Pisces. How many alligators would die, how many islands are there?
That's awesome. Then you have absurd cynics doubting the truth of the horoscope.

Kinan said...

I know, right?!

Long Live the Horoscopes :p

*chuckling*

Arima said...

Ouch....my fate has been sealed (gemini)

Robin said...

Well Abufares,
According to this COMBINED with the fact that I am a Chinese "Horse" I will be a homeless equine. That sounds good to me!! Let me run free on the plains like a wild mustang. My home will be the wide open prairie, no more stables for me!!

I love Munich said...

Lol ... I will fall in love with a WHAT?? A MASS MURDERER??? Holy macarel ... and face a SWAT team??? And be SHOT?? WOW ... !

Considering the fact though I am not only a LIBRA but as well a DRAGON (in the Chinese horoscope) thus a PHOENIX which emerges again and again out of the ash, I have the hunch the mass murderer will run away like a mangy dog (I spit fire as dragon, remember?) and the guns of the SWAT team I will melt like ice in the sun!

On second thought I like the fire-spitting theory - I would come pretyy handy from time to time ... ;-)

* Hehehe - I love that kind of nonsense ... it makes me chuckle every single time!

How on earth do you get all those ideas??

abufares said...

Arima
Getting fired is the least of your worries. Only if you knew what's brewing for June :-)

abufares said...

Robin
So you are adding insult to injury. As if the human race was not properly served by the "conventional" horoscope, the Chinese overwhelm us with their complicated version of this Mumbo Jumbo.
I don't know which precedes the other, but you still should thank the heavens you were not a Capricorn.

abufares said...

Hi Karin
A dragon, no less! You would fit in nicely in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm amazed by the fact that some people make their living out of this crap because it means that there is a demand for it. There are believers out there getting this much needed information through free and/or paid channels. Obvioulsy it's a world-wide phenomenon and no single culture can claim to be more stupid than the other in this context.

Lujayn said...

Seems like everyone's horoscope has come true and they are either dead, in the hospital or too miserable to post. Any chance of a reversal of fortunes, Abu Fares?

abufares said...

Lujayn
And we are not even in May yet;-)

Shannon said...

Well, I might as well just enjoy it all while I still can!!

abufares said...

Shannon
Enjoy it... If you can!
hahahahaha (hysterical laughter as in a horror movie)

kaya said...

I TAWT I TAW A PUDDYTAT!

GraY FoX said...

wooohooo
a runaway truck let it be :D

Lujayn said...

Gray Fox, you've been naughty too? :)) Avoid the streets, thats what I've been doing since Abu Fares had his visions!

kaya said...

Hey!
I see you like bikes.
Best friend hubby just got his piece, last night.
www.jaynewithawhy.blogspot.com

OH GURU
Is there any TOM YAM in my destiny this weekend.

abufares said...

Gray Fox, Lujayn & Kaya

I've been much busier than I'd like. Life is not fair.
I'm giving you all a small window of opportunity until I get back with a new post (expected in the next couple of days). I've asked the stars, the planets, the nebulae and the ass holes, oops I meant the black holes to stay out of your respective zodiac signs.
Get wild, enjoy it while you can.
And, Kaya, thanks for the link, Jayne looks like my kind of gal.

kaya said...

OH WISE GURU
OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
YOU ASS HAS JUST BEEN TAGGED!
Betcha didnt see that one coming, O WISE KNOWING ONE!!!

Lujayn said...

Thanks! I can finally go out and get some rations without the fear of being hit by a runaway truck (although that leaves us with all the crazy drivers in Dubai - maybe a runaway truck isnt so bad?)

Looking forward to your next post, Abu Fares!