Aries March 21-April 19
After having lived a life of sin and temptation, your health deteriorates rather rapidly. With the waning of the moon you are admitted to hospital. The costly ordeal devastates you financially. Just when you think you are getting out of this slump, you are hit by a runaway truck.
Taurus April 20-May 20
You are in deep trouble. The Moon and Alpha Centauri are perfectly aligned in relation to the M33 Galaxy. Your life gets more miserable as you go on. There is nothing worth living for. Your partner leaves you, so will your parents, friends and neighbors. Shoot the dog before it bites you.
Gemini May 21-June 21
May is obviously not your best month. You will be plagued by different problems at home. Avoid contacts with all humans if possible. Do not argue with your superiors or inferiors at work. With the present asynchronous motion of heavenly objects, it is very probable that you are going to get fired on Thursday the 3rd.
Cancer June 22-July 22
One of your best friends betrays you. Distraught and having lost your faith in humanity, you will further succumb into depression. You are destined to become an alcoholic. A clash with the police is imminent. Avoid using electrical kitchen appliances as you might sever a finger or a whole extremity.
Leo July 23-August 22
Precisely every 42 years, the Emission Nebula (M42) and the Reflection Nebula (NGC 7023) continue to have nothing to do with each other. As thus, the effect on Leo is significant. Your appeal to the opposite sex will fade rapidly and you attract members of your same sex like flies are attracted to a discarded muffin. You will be unreservedly humiliated.
Virgo August 23-September 22
Once you believe that you’ve got it made, you are in for one huge disappointing surprise. All your property is confiscated, your rights violated and your food regurgitated. You will be homeless in the streets and eat out of soup kitchens for the rest of the year. Your unlucky days are Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. As for Tuesday, it really sucks.
Libra September 23-October 22
A mass murderer appears in the horizon in the second week of May. You will fall in love with him (regardless of your sex). Eventually both of you will be cornered in a place of worship by a SWAT team. The mass murderer will miraculously escape. Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that these snipers could miss two targets on the same mission.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
While walking on a busy street a snake bites you. The pain is unspeakable. The agony is unbearable. The anguish is insurmountable. You will never be the same again. If you are single you will never get married. If you are married you will get a divorce. Nobody likes you anymore. You are utterly undesirable until the end of the third quarter.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Jupiter will screw you up, again. While on a long-awaited dinner date at a very expensive restaurant with what you thought is the most desirable person in the world you will throw up on the table. After the convulsions seize you realize that your date has left you alone and has taken your wallet. You wash dishes for the rest of the week.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
A recurring dream will drive you insane. You are in bed with George W. Bush who’s dressed in a flimsy piece of lingerie. You try to break free but he holds you tight and showers you with wet kisses. When he pins you down and tries to… you wake up sweating and gasping for air. On the night of May 21st or 22nd, you will jump out of the window and probably kill yourself.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
Solar winds will shake you profoundly in May. Nothing seems to be going right for you anymore. You will be dealt a hard blow. Migraines will taunt you for the rest of your unhappy life. You might feel better by mid May, but then it’s all downhill again.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Nothing is what it seems to be. What has started as a simple rash develops into something far more serious. The dermatologist refuses to even touch you as your case is highly contagious. You will live in exile on a secluded island where eventually you will be eaten by a hungry alligator. The alligator later dies of indigestion (around August).
Well, if you normally believe this horoscope crap, my word is as good as any. By the way, I can read your palm and the tarots too.