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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Most Popular Post of 2006

Warning: The following article might prove offensive to some people. It does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the writer. However, it is based on factual, yet disturbing, visitors’ statistics. What you are going to read below is a true story. Parental discretion is therefore advised.

One of the most popular posts during my eight month tenure at the helm of this blog has been “Fairuz in Tartous”. It was also the most controversial and received the highest number of comments. It’s a little disheartening for me since I deem that I’ve written better ones. I keep getting direct hits on my site counter pointing to that post. For a while I figured to myself that Madame Fairuz is very popular and it’s only natural that many web surfers are interested in reading whatever is written about her.

Over the months, however, a very distinctive pattern started emerging. A high percentage of these hits were coming from one particular Arab country. A country considered “moderate” by the present US administration. Ummm, I thought, the Arab liberals must be really crazy about Fairuz. But why?

Not merely why are they interested in the Lebanese Ambassadress to the Stars, but why more than anybody else? And there was yet another puzzle. Nobody from this arid country ever visits my blog, except to read my post about Fairuz. I was baffled so I went into the gory details. I wanted to know what other posts they’ve been visiting. Only one, “Solar Energy & Haifa Wehbe” showed up in the table. I daresay that 80% of these “broad minded” visitors were interested in Fairuz and 20% in Haifa Wehbe. You’d find that strange, won’t you? I mean come on let’s face it, if I were forced to spend the rest of my life with either of them, the choice would be obvious. I would gag them both during the day anyway. Comes evening, I might remove the duct tape covering Haifa’s mouth (remember her WaWa).

OK, I thought, I could stay one more hour at the office and investigate this very interesting statistical anomaly. I dug deeper in the figures provided by my counter service. Aha, Google referred almost all of these casual surfers. It’s only natural, I reckoned, Google is the most pervasive search engine on the web and our brothers use it as well. Because they are such devoted fans of Fairuz, they searched for her near and far and were eventually directed to my humble blog.



But wait, the vast majority of the searches were in Arabic. That’s bizarre! I post exclusively in English.

Then I found out what has been perplexing me. They were not interested in Fairuz at all. They could as well care less about my blog. They were looking for something entirely different.

In that particular post, I have written, and I quote myself here: “There’s a very appropriate Damascene proverb which certainly applies: (لا وجه حلو ولا طيز ناعمة) La Wajeh Helou Wala Teez Naemeh = No beautiful face, no smooth ass.”
The key words in the Google searches were either Smooth Ass or طيز ناعمة.
Isn’t that amazing!?

Go ahead, give it a try. My blog would show up on top of the search results.
I have a serious potential problem on my hand now. This present stupid post might prove even more popular than the previous one and takes first prize. It has all the keywords, repeated twice.

As a gesture of hospitality, and in order for their search not to go in vein, and so that they wouldn’t come out empty eyed, I’ve attached a picture of the smoothest ass I could find.



The parental discretion on top was just a foolish joke. Sue me, but I couldn’t resist the temptation.

31 comments:

The Syrian Brit said...

Thanks to you, Abu Fares, everybody at work now think I have (finally) lost my marbles!!... Thanks to you, I have now lost all credibility!.. I was in my office laughing out loud until tears came streaming down my face!!...
Excellent post!.. Very, very funny!..

Shannon said...

I'm so glad I read this at home where I didn't have to stifle my laughter! Hope your readers enjoy the smooth ass.

abufares said...

My Dear Syrian Brit and Shannon

I'm glad I was able to draw a smile on your faces. Although I'm the author of this post I found it funny myself. It's not that I'm laughing at my own joke, but the mere truth is totally absurd. I can understand why some people would search for "ass". OK, they are desperate. But, to insist and specify that they are looking for a "smooth ass" is just plain stupendous.

Dubai Jazz said...

Dubai Jazz <------- fell off his chair laughing.
Man! This is super hilarious! ….and that country is indeed deemed moderate by the US?
The photo is adorable too…
Thanks for the laugh Abu Fares ….

كسار الزبادي said...

ROFL :D
hilarious!

However, we are not that far from our neighbors :(
http://www.google.com/trends?q=%D8%B7%D9%8A%D8%B2

abufares said...

Hi Dubai Jazz & كسار الزبادي

"laughter is the best medicine".
You know what كسار الزبادي
I was surprised by the statistical trend. Where are the Iraqis???
And, I wish our ISPs provided more information for Google to classify it by city.
I wonder what would Idlib share be!!!

no one said...

why u can't believe the fact that the youth of the 21st century are more into Fairouz than watching Hayfa's ass?

seriously, watching asses really became a boring thing. they are everywhere. on Tv, in streets, in resturants, at work, but Fairoz's voice ain't everywhere. u have to seek for it to have it.

so u could say that the contrary, that those who visited the post were basiclly looking for information about fairouz but u disappointed them.

!!

Angel said...

Scathingly funny and painfully true observations. Accurate in your guess, I believe those "special readers!" will get to your post through their desired "keyword"!!! Will be great if they got a nice pop up window entitled "Ops! you got what you are searching for!"....:-)
You have the wonderful gift of making people laugh with the written word.... As for the exceptional PHOTO.. this is another story ;-)

abufares said...

Hello No One
Welcome to my blog and thanks for commenting.
I'm sure your haven't read my post about Fairuz because it was indeed about her.
In it, I was voicing my complaint that Fairuz "voice" like Haifa's ass is everywhere.
This new post of mine is indeed a disappointment if taken out of context.
Thank you for your visit.

abufares said...

Hello Angel
Thank you for being here. Nothing is as funny as truth itself. With that in hand, I had it made.

Black Hawk said...

First of all...
hello mr.Abufares..can i say t my self! welcome!...hehehe

secondly:
thanks t the tartoussi guy who told me about this blog..

finally..and here is the!!
significance:

I am not convinced about the thought of blogging itself but this one triggered me t reply...hope it will never be the last reply inshaAllah..
anyway...it is really amazing ,keep it up,...etc...nothing t add except..
شر البلية ما يضحك

cheers..

abufares said...

Welcome on board Black Hawk.
I'm glad you've made the effort and commented.
Hope to see you again.

Omar said...

damn it, about fares.. I laughed in a big burst that spit my coffee all over my computer screen... and no matter how hard i tried to translate the story.. it just didn't make sense to anyone at work.. Syrian Brit.. I just officially joined you in losing my credibility among my coworkers... looool... you just made my day

Omar said...

damn it....i just re-read the post and did the whole coffee fountain scene again.....

abufares said...

Hi Omar
I just woke up and read your comment. I'm glad I didn't start with my coffee yet, otherwise I would've done the same thing, only it would be laughing at your reaction. You know how it is, when someone starts the chain, it's vey difficult to break.

Syrian in London said...

Absolutely spot on, and the build up to it was top quality.. now I wasn't as lucky as some and like Syrian Brit I was at the office (but too early for anyone else to be in) and managed to keep a half decent face through the office glass wall!
for all of you who end up here guided by the same reasons, well tough luck, you've been properly mooned by a real A**!

abufares said...

Hello Syrian in London
So you got away with it.
Thank you for starting your day with this post.

Rime said...

I feel I have learned at least two things from reading your blog that I must share with the others:

a) never read Abu Fares when you are hungry, especially at night, or out of serious cooking facilities and ingredients (just in case he writes about food);

b) never read when you are at work (just in case he writes about anything else).

Those who do not heed my warning and insist on reading this blog at all times (which includes me of course) do so at their own peril.

That was absolutely hilarious Abu Fares! :)

abufares said...

Hi Rime
I have to give you this, your comment is so much funnier than the actual post. Besides, since I had a true story at my disposal, I just needed to put the pieces together in the right(or wrong) order to come up with a funny post.
Your comment is so spontaneous it makes your real sense of humor comes out for all to read and enjoy. I think you should start posting comedy as well.
Isn't it what life is all about???Comedy!

Rime said...

You're too kind Abu Fares. I'm afraid that in my case, what I cover is more "sharrou al baliyati ma yudhek" type of tragicomedy! We're in safer hands with your funny stories, I assure you. :)

abufares said...

OK, Rime... Since you haven't posted in a while, I can only repeat after Clint Eastwood:
"Go ahead, make my day".

I love Munich said...

I LOVE that post ... especially the picture and the imagination what you'd do with Fairouz and Haifa made me laugh tears - good I had finished my cup of tee already!
You have an incredible way of describing things and situations ... I've each time a blast reading your posts!!
GREAT POST!!!

abufares said...

Hi Karin
Just to set matters straight. I didn't imagine doing anything with Fairuz. With Haifa... well that's a different story.
I'm glad you've enjoyed my twisted sense of humor.

Highlander said...

I set out expecting to read something about a great experience you had in the past , but this post really made my day - please keep up the humour . I'm sending this link to all my friends . NowI gotta go search for which Arab country is described as moderate by the US :P

abufares said...

Highlander
Thank you for your visit. You can use Google Earth to locate that country:)
I'm glad you found my post worth telling your friends about.
Come again.

Ascribo said...

What a nice post!

I just feel curious to know which "country" you meant...And also I'd like to know more about how you reached that conclusion, it seems a bit complex to me.

abufares said...

Come On Ascribo?! Stop pulling my leg. Are you on cold medicine or something???

Anonymous said...

Salamat Abufares. I tried what you said about doing a search on "طيز ناعمة" and you were right!! you site came up the first one!! :):):) So funny. I did not dare go into any of the other sites that came up though!!

Abu Abdo

abufares said...

Hi Abu Abdo
Happy New Year

You see what I mean. Well, at least I can claim that my blog came out first in something:)

Layla said...

Nice post, thanx for making me giggle :)

On the theme of Arabic music, I’ve been trying to find the name of a song I heard recently. Unfortunately all I remember of it are the following two lines:

ظلموني وانا بريئة
ربي يشهد علي

I know that’s a bit thin, but that’s all I recall.. Oh and its also sung by a hauntingly beautiful female voice. I don’t think it’s Fairuz, but I wouldn’t rule it out (but I hope not, given you coolness towards her..)

Any help would be much appreciated.

Keep up the good work on the blog Abu Fares!

abufares said...

Dear Layla
Welcome to my blog.
The lyrics seem vaguely familiar. Yet, I'm not sure.
To tell you the truth, my musical education has all but stopped sometime in the 80's.
If I ever find out, I'll let you know.
Thanks for dropping by.